“It can be compared to a feeling of sadness. But it is difficult to describe,” Per Ole Nilsen searches to find the words when he is asked about his son. The distance from Grimstad to the son’s home in Risør hasn’t changed, but the father no longer travels to visit as before. Nilsen is a member of Jehovah’s Witnesses. His son left the group in 2019.
Originally published in Norwegian on Vårt Land by Morten Marius Larsen. Translation by Mark O'Donnell and Jason Wynne.
Through several media cases, it has been said that the consequences of being disfellowshipped or leaving the congregation are enormous. The person concerned is no longer allowed to “have contact with family and friends in the congregation”, claims the State Administrator, after investigating the religious community.
Nilsen does not recognize himself in the description. All ties to his son have not been severed, he says. The father has nevertheless limited contact, which he justifies with his understanding of the Bible and his own conscience.
“The idea behind it is that the disfellowshipped person can eventually turn around, and get back into a right relationship with God,” says Nilsen.
Lack of Response
Vårt Land meets him at home in Grimstad, where he and his wife live in a tall wooden house with a view of the Skagerrak strait. They are both retired, a phase of life that Nilsen describes as “the golden age”. They spend their time in the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Kingdom Hall, where Nilsen has a leadership role as one of the “elders”, and out in nature with skis or hiking boots on.
The reason for the interview is an article Vårt Land wrote in February.
Their son’s name is Jan Frode Nilsen. After more than 35 years in Jehovah’s Witnesses, he went public and criticized his own religious community in the columns of Vårt Land in 2019. He then stopped being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
In February this year, he was interviewed again, about the fact that he is now standing for election as a local politician. In the first version of the article, Nilsen said that he had been shunned by his family. It is an allegation that the parents should have been given the opportunity to oppose before publication, which they were not offered.
In addition to printing an apology (see fact box further down in the article), Vårt Land has given Per Ole Nilsen the opportunity to tell his side of the story. He has agreed to that. So now coffee and cakes are on the living room table in Grimstad, and Nilsen begins by emphasizing that he is speaking as a private person.
He believes it would be too vague to say that the son is shunned, or that all contact has been cut off. He believes that it is also not true that Jehovah’s Witnesses lack room for criticism and freedom for the individual. He himself has experienced the opposite.
Vårt Land has asked Jan Frode Nilsen to comment on his father’s statements. He answers later in the article.
A Personal Choice
Per Ole Nilsen was 19 years old when he first came in contact with Jehovah’s Witnesses. The year was 1970, the war raged in Vietnam and many feared the imminent danger of nuclear war. Nilsen read a lot about the protests against the war and about the peace movement, of which he was a strong supporter. At the same time, he had lost faith in a just God.
At the beginning of the Russian era, he got into a conversation with a young woman from Jehovah’s Witnesses who asked: Do you believe in God?
“No,” replied Nilsen, and claimed that a just God could not exist with so much evil in the world. It led them into a discussion about how the world had come to be. Nilsen, who studied science at grammar school, decided to investigate the question of God’s existence on his own.
Norwegian Court Revokes Jehovah’s Witnesses Request to Suspend Deregistration
He read a lot and discussed arguments for and against. The fact that Jehovah’s Witnesses were completely uncompromising in their conscientious objection, and resisted Hitler during World War II despite the fact that many of them were executed, became particularly attractive to him.
Despite living in a world with war, the faith they had in the future also gave him good reason to investigate Jehovah’s Witnesses more closely, he says.
“The doomsday clock was moved closer to midnight. But Jehovah’s Witnesses had a wonderful hope for God’s kingdom on earth, where there would be peace under a just government,” he says.
After a year of research, he made his final decision and became a Jehovah’s Witness.
I certainly want to have contact with him, and with our grandchildren. But we have limited contact.Per Ole Nilsen
Preached on the street
There was no shortage of alternatives for radical young people in the 70s. Many of Nilsen’s peers became barefoot and hairy hippies who spoke of peace and love. Others rang doors and distributed for the Workers’ Communist Party (AKP) (m-l), or were set ablaze by the Protestant Jesus Revival.
Nilsen, on the other hand, dropped out of education to preach.
“I was employed right after high school, but I wanted to spend my time on something more sensible. That’s why I got a part-time job, and decided to focus on Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
Looking back, he is impressed with himself as a 19-year-old. Nilsen approached strangers on the street and went from house to house. It didn’t matter to him if he met famous people – he didn’t have much fear, according to himself.
He met his wife, who was also a Jehovah’s Witness, in his early 20s. A few years later they had their first child.
“Becoming a parent is one of the finest things one can experience. There was so much going on at the time, we got to see them change and grow up. The best time in my life was when we had children,” he says.
How important has it been to you that your children follow the same faith as you?
“When the children reach a certain age, we can do no more than hope for the best. The Creator has given us free will. As a parent, you can give advice, and it can be disappointing when children make negative choices. But they have full freedom to do so. At the same time, one must also accept the consequences of one’s choices.”
The Break
In 2019, Per Ole Nilsen learned that his son had gone public and criticized Jehovah’s Witnesses.
The occasion was a debate about whether Jehovah’s Witnesses allowed their members to vote in public elections, and about their practice of disfellowshipping. When Jehovah’s Witnesses stated that former members “can talk to and socialize with the immediate family as normal”, Jan Frode Nilsen had enough. In an interview with Vårt Land, he accused the religious community of lying.
“When my own son chose to speak out in the media in this way, it was a shock. We knew nothing about this. We had visited him and the grandchildren only a month earlier,” the father says today.
It was only when he publicly criticized Jehovah’s Witnesses that the father understood what would happen: That the son was going to leave the religious community.
“Shun” was the word the son used when he allowed himself to be interviewed by Vårt Land in February. The father has vehemently denied that his son is “shunned” by the family.
“When you use that word, it sounds like how the Jewish religious leaders viewed the lepers in Jesus’ day. That’s not how it is. All family ties are not broken. We regard him as a person with a name, and have concern for him,” says the father.
A nuance that people should be aware of, he believes, is that Jehovah’s Witnesses distinguish between necessary and unnecessary contact with family members who leave the group.
Have limited contact
In the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ book, Keep Yourselves in God’s Love, which guides members in applying biblical principles in their lives, it is opened that one can have “limited contact on some rare occasion to care for a necessary family matter, any such contact should be kept to a minimum”. Nevertheless, it is emphasized that this contact “should be limited to a minimum”.
“The family bond still applies, even if some are considered disfellowshipped. We have a biblical obligation to show care in special needs, such as when you need help due to health and illness. Thus, it is not correct to say that they have cut off all contact with their son,” says the father.
“I certainly want to have contact with him, and with our grandchildren. But we have limited contact,” he says.
It is also important to show, Nilsen believes, that the members of Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to follow their own conscience. This applies to all choices one makes where the Bible does not make clear demands. Not least, it applies to disfellowshipping, he claims.
“So we are not told what to do. We make the decision personally,” he says, and emphasizes that the most important commandment Jesus gives is to love God and one’s neighbor.
“This is an important principle that can be applied to everything we do and all decisions we make. When it comes to disfellowshipping, it is allowed to be flexible. No two situations are exactly the same. It is permissible to show special consideration, also towards the one who is disfellowshipped.”
The family bond still applies, even if some are considered disfellowshipped.Per Ole Nilsen
Bible Teaching
Since the son has told publicly that his parents have not supported him, the father thinks it is important to say something about what the family situation was like before the son’s break with the religious community. They have long been concerned with looking after their son during periods when he has had a difficult time, says the father.
“It should probably be added that my son has not visited us much in the last 10-12 years. So for us, we have not noticed such a big difference in visits from him.”
So what is the purpose of limiting contact?
“We try to follow the principles found in the Bible. It says that we must distance ourselves from those who come with false teachings, in order to protect the environment. It can also make him change his attitude and get back into a good relationship with God.”
He points out that several people he knows have been disfellowshipped for a period, then regretted and returned. Nilsen is also convinced that disfellowshipping is based on the teachings of the Bible.
Can you understand that it is perceived as heartbreaking by people on the outside?
“For us it is not like that. But the way it is presented in the media, I can understand that it is perceived that way. And I agree that it is a severe reaction.”
Disfellowshipping Minors
Since 2022, the State Administrator has cut state support to Jehovah’s Witnesses. The reason has been that Jehovah’s Witnesses allow for the disfellowshipping of persons under the age of 18. Members can be baptized already in their teens, and from then on they are considered full members. If they commit a serious sin for which they do not repent when brought before a sentencing committee, they risk being disfellowshipped, claims the State Administrator.
In their defense, Jehovah’s Witnesses have pointed out that members are not required to break contact with disfellowshipped members of the immediate family, if they live in the same household. Disfellowshipped people can also attend the meetings of the congregation and meet the elders for spiritual guidance, according to the religious community. They have also argued that all members are free to leave.
If the consequences of leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses are that you lose contact with your family and network, can you really say that you are completely free to choose?
Nilsen thinks twice.
“If you change your view fundamentally, then you have made a choice that violates common interests and attitudes. Then you also make a choice about friends and community.”
He believes the consequences will not be too great for a person who chooses to leave the religious community, and refers to what he has already explained: That all family ties are not broken.
“It is also not unusual for there to be divisions in families or in society. Disagreements after an inheritance settlement, for example, can severely limit contact between family members for a long time. Sometimes for life.”
Can you still be a member of Jehovah’s Witnesses, if you choose to maintain the same contact with him as before?
“From my assessment, and with fifty years of experience, the answer is yes. But then I would have acted against my own conscience.”
The Creator is both just, merciful and loving. First and foremost, Jehovah is good.Per Ole Nilsen
Free to think
Per Ole Nilsen himself looks back on a rich life as a Jehovah’s Witness. From the day he became a member, he has been protected from many difficulties, he says.
“Life as a human is a lot about facing problems and difficulties that arise. I have always received good guidance and help.”
Former members, including his son, have said that the rules and expectations set for Jehovah’s Witnesses are demanding to follow. They have talked about fear of being shunned, and about a system where there is no room for criticism.
“I have always felt that I have a lot of freedom to express my opinion. You are heard and taken seriously. And it is to the highest extent permissible to think for yourself. My choices have not always been the best, but I have always had freedom to make my own choices. Nor have I ever had a fear of being shunned. No one is shunned because of missteps that one regrets.”
When asked what is at the core of his faith, Nilsen replies that it is about reflecting the characteristics of Jehovah.
“The Creator is both just, merciful and loving. First and foremost, Jehovah is good.”
In the last week, Nilsen says, he has thought a lot about a quote that was shared during a talk at the Kingdom Hall. He has written it down, and reproduces it in its entirety:
“Justice without love makes us hard. Faith without love makes us fanatics. Power without love makes us brutal. Duty without love makes us rigid. Orderliness without love makes us petty.”
Vårt Land apologises
In an article published on February 2, 2023, Vårt Land wrote that Jan Frode Nilsen is shunned by his family. Here, the family should have been given the opportunity to counter the allegation at the same time, which they were not given. Vårt Land is sorry.
“I never wanted to hang my family out to dry”
Vårt Land has given Jan Frode Nilsen the opportunity to comment on his father’s statements that he has not cut all ties with his son, but limited to “unnecessary contact”.
Nilsen tells Vårt Land that it is all a sad situation that he never wanted. When he broke with Jehovah’s Witnesses, he made a choice between many evils in a hopeless situation, he says.
“No matter what I did, it would hurt someone. That my parents ended up hurt is something I have to live with every day. First and foremost, I am very happy with my father. The fact that he wants some contact means a lot to me,” says Nilsen.
“At the same time, no one wants their own mother or father to need an emergency or an illness to have contact with their child. I would never say something like that to my children,” he says.
Jan Frode Nilsen emphasizes that his criticism has been directed at the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ leadership and not at his own family.
“Common Term”
The reason why he has used the word “shunned” about his relationship with his family is that he has grown up with this as a common term for people with whom Jehovah’s Witnesses have cut off contact, he says.
Nilsen refers to examples from Jehovah’s Witnesses’ own websites, where it emerges that the term “shun” was used until the end of the 90’s.
Regarding the father’s description of the family situation before his son’s break with Jehovah’s Witnesses, he points out that he accepted
the parents with open arms when they came to visit.
“There is also a big difference between parents not seeing their adult children as often as they would like, and an external guidance from a religious community preventing the parents from meeting the children, as I firmly believe that the instructions in the Jehovah’s Witness literature do.”
He also adds that the years before his final break with Jehovah’s Witnesses were very demanding mentally, and that for a long time he went with a feeling of letting down those he loved because of the critical objections he had with the religious community.
No one wants their own mother or father to need an emergency or an illness to be in contact with their child.Jan Frode Nilsen
Disputes biblical understanding
Furthermore, Jan Frode Nilsen wishes to emphasize that his criticism of the religious community has always been aimed at the central leadership, and that he has never wanted to single out his own family or castigate his upbringing with them.
“Like my father, I recognize that people make their personal choices. They have made their choices and I will make mine. But I personally feel that the instructions from above that create these consequences should be debated. The world is full of families where sons choose something other than their father, without having to limit contact or family ties. That the Bible requires such a thing, I will strongly dispute.”
Rejects Allegation
Vårt Land has given Jehovah’s Witnesses the opportunity to comment on Nilsen’s claim that they have an external guide that prevents the parents from seeing their children. In an email, spokesman Fabian Fond writes that the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ religion does not interfere with family relationships, which it neither can nor does it want to do.
He also emphasizes that the religious publications of Jehovah’s Witnesses has the Bible as its authority.
“The goal is to help readers apply Biblical principles in everyday life. The Bible encourages everyone to exercise “their powers of discernment” to distinguish between right and wrong, and readers are encouraged to make informed decisions based on Biblical principles and their conscience (Hebrews 5:14). Each individual worshiper is free to make moral decisions and to choose whether or not he or she wants to serve God and live according to Biblical principles.
Jason Wynne
Jason Wynne is a husband to one wife, father to two children, and writes extensively on the activities of Jehovah’s Witnesses having been baptized as a member in 1995.