Living With the Nightmares

Jehovah’s Witness defector Frode: Living with the nightmares

https://www.dagbladet.no/tema/jehovas-vitner-avhopper-frode-lever-med-marerittene/78508064

For many years he was part of the religious community Jehovah’s Witnesses. Then Frode (45) had enough. Now he reveals everything about life on the inside, the “forbidden” sexuality and falling in love – and the dramatic break-up.

LOST FAITH: Faith disappeared over twenty years ago, but several years would pass before Frode settled with the congregation. Photo: Jørn H. Moen / Dagbladet

-“I have learned of your actions and am terribly disappointed and sorry. Although I am deeply fond of you, I will and cannot have anything to do with an apostate.”

The messages tick into Jan Frode Nilsen’s mobile phone. They are from family, friends and other acquaintances in Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Frode feels he is reading messages from his own funeral, but replies that he understands.

“This became a choice between what is right for my children, my family, my conscience. And then I choose to stand up for what I believe is right,” he writes back.

“If I’m going to get ahead in life, I can’t continue to hide what I feel.”

A barking dog runs across the courtyard as Frode opens the door to the detached house in Risør.

It is February 2023, over three years since he broke with Jehovah’s Witnesses. The 45-year-old is wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and his hair is in a short ponytail.

– I was looked down upon for having slightly too long bangs and a beard, he claims.

– You will not be ostracized for that reason, but it is completely out of the question whether you should rise in the ranks. Now I’ve let my hair grow, and haven’t been clean-shaven for many years.

Inside, family photos, drawings and records hang on the walls. The bookshelf that was once filled with years of “The Watchtower” and “Wake up!” has been replaced with novels, including The Lord of the Rings. That book is not directly banned in the religious community, but on the border, according to Frode.

– I removed all literature. Filled garbage bags and threw out the period when I hit ban.

Frode is born into Jehovah’s Witnesses. He never celebrates Christmas, Easter or May 17. He goes to a normal school, but is taken out of Christian education, and is never allowed to take part in birthday parties or organized sports.

At weekends he goes door to door, and three evenings a week he attends meetings with the rest of the congregation, cut short in a suit and tie, he says. Frode learns about Jehovah and Jesus. He is told that in the next few years Armageddon will come. Then God will send fireballs down from heaven, killing all “the worldly” who do not follow Jehovah, he claims he was told. After this, Jehovah’s Witnesses will live on earth for billions of years. Eating grapes and cuddling with lions and deer, in a paradise where no one gets old or sick.

– Being one of Jehovah’s witnesses is more about identity than religion, where it is constantly emphasized that you are not like the others, claims Frode.

NO REGRETS: – I never doubted after I left them, it was a relief. My only regret is that I waited too long. I should have done it twenty years earlier. Photo: Jørn H. Moen / Dagbladet

You live in a parallel reality, which is based on outsiders and a view that the world will soon, and quite concretely, disappear. Then such a great distance is built up from everyone else, that the threshold for breaking out becomes so high.

As the years go by, the time for Armageddon is moved, explains Frode.

“Like a carrot before a running donkey.”

He remembers well 1988 when it was announced that Lillehammer was to host the Olympics in 1994. Six years ahead.

– We talked about how stupid it was that Norway should build arenas that would never be used. Because as a child I believed in this reality, and everyone I knew thought the same way.

– Were you afraid a lot as a child?

– No… says Frode, goes for it.

– More depressed perhaps. I thought, if I die then fuck it. Because you are not guaranteed to survive Armageddon just because you are in Jehovah’s Witnesses, there are high requirements.

Read comments from Frode’s father and from Jehovah’s Witnesses at the bottom of the case.

Frode defines the religious community more as a culture than a religion. Because neither he nor the friends he grew up with sat down in the evening and prayed to God, he claims.

– You didn’t?

– No, he says and snorts.

– None of us were religious. We were Jehovah’s Witnesses, but we weren’t religious.

But there is one point in life he really believes. He is then 17 years old and has just been baptized.

“Shit, now I have to toughen up,” he thinks, decides to enter the literature properly and surrender. Inside, he lives in an echo chamber, accepts what is written and sees the meaning in it. He builds a belief, gets a “boost”, because he finally does what everyone said he would do.

Clean-shaven, in a shirt and tie, he preaches from door to door for hours. He gives speeches to assemblies. Young, eager and with a raised arm. Among the youth group, he is one of those who make sure that the others behave. Because according to the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ own website, unmarried people must avoid “sexual immorality” such as intercourse, but also “caressing another person’s genitals, oral sex and anal sex.”

– Then you risk being ostracized. Because you can’t have such strict rules without a real threat. Then it would have slipped completely, says Frode.

If you know that someone has slept with each other, you must tell “the elders”, or risk the same punishment if it is discovered, claims Frode. This means that he rarely feels safe, only with his two closest friends does he dare to let loose a little.

Adolescence passes and Frode stays, touching no one else. But he feels a strongly repressed sexuality, an eternal struggle over what he should do, but cannot master. He feels useless. He does not fit in the world outside, but at the same time he is unable to comply with the requirements inside. He loses his spark, shuts down his emotions and stops following trains of thought.

At the age of 23, he marries a girl who is also one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. In the following years, Frode works as a craftsman, parties and travels. If he can avoid it, he does not tell people around him that he is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. He goes to some meetings, but mostly so people don’t start talking. He does not relate to faith.

Not until he has a child, then he will be jolted out of his stupor. Because as a father, it is his task to teach the children the doctrine, but Frode gets to block it completely.

“I’m not doing this,” he thinks.

“My children will not grow up like I did.”

A psychologist helps him share thoughts he has not dared to say out loud. He learns that he has split his personality. Live one reality in Jehovah’s Witnesses, another at school, at work and at parties.

Then everything collapses.

Frode discovers the world outside, compares it to the Matrix, an illusion that bursts.

“I don’t belong among humans, there’s something wrong with me. I can’t take it anymore,’ he thinks, seeing no way forward.

At the age of 37, he is admitted to a psychiatric ward. When the bottom which later turns out to be a turning point.

Outside the bubble, Frode creates anonymous profiles on various forums. He gets to hear other people’s stories, similar variations of what he himself has experienced, and realizes that he is not “as fucked up” as he thought. He finds a new community, realizes that there are lots of people out there crying out for help.

A commitment grows in him, and he thinks:

“Shit, I have to do something.”

Frode contacts the media. Appears anonymously in several cases where he speaks critically about the practice of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“Those of you who do not belong to Jehovah’s Witnesses probably think that the family will always be there (..) We who have grown up in Jehovah’s Witnesses have learned something else; the family is obliged to shut us out if we no longer believe correctly or live as the leaders of Jehovah’s Witnesses have decided,” he told Fædrelandsvennen in November 2018.

Frode is scared, frustrated and angry at this point. He does not dare to opt out, fears a future where his own children will be sucked into the congregation, and in the long run will be pressured to cut contact with him.

In August 2019, Vårt Land writes that Jehovah’s Witnesses who vote in political elections can be excluded from the religious community. Kjell Ingolf Ropstad (KrF), Minister of Religion and Philosophy at the time, told the newspaper that it provides grounds for withdrawing the state aid, which at this point is around NOK 14 million. In October of the same year, the County Governor receives a written statement from Jehovah’s Witnesses:

“If someone in our religious community chooses to participate in a political election by voting, Jehovah’s Witnesses will see it as that person has himself chosen to leave the religious community (..) the person is still welcome to attend religious services, (..) he or she can also talk to and socialize with the immediate family normally, Jehovah’s Witness writes to the County Commissioner.

– When I read it, it clicked for me, says Frode.

– Then I couldn’t do it anymore.

On 29 October 2019, he will appear for the first time with his full name and photo on the cover of Vårt Land.

– The leadership of Jehovah’s Witnesses lie openly and trample on thousands of ex-Witnesses who have actually lost their families, he says to the newspaper.

It is after this that messages from friends and family flow into his mobile phone. He maintains contact with his children, they are never baptized as Jehovah’s Witnesses, he says, but contact with the rest of the family is severely limited.

In January 2020, he receives an official certificate in the post confirming that he has been deregistered from the religious community.

– No, what should I say? It was a bit of a closure…, he says.

– I feel much better after I completed the settlement. But I needed time to build myself up, to feel in control. If I had done the same thing three years earlier, I would have collapsed and been just this tiny, lonely person.

In January 2022, Jehovah’s Witnesses will lose their state support. The reason for the decision is that they have an exclusion practice which means that members are denied contact with deregistered members, writes the Statsforvalteren in Oslo and Viken.

Frode cries when the message comes.

– It was very sensitive, strange, but also sad, he says.

– I am portrayed as the biggest opponent of Jehovah’s Witnesses, a bitter person who just hates them. But I don’t. The focus has never been to destroy Jehovah’s Witnesses, but I think there must be some minimum requirements to get government support.

In the first years outside the congregation, Frode is alone a lot. All the network he had, with the exception of the children and what is now his ex-wife, is in Jehovah’s Witnesses. Throughout his upbringing, he had been told, he claims, that he had to be careful out in the world, otherwise Satan would come and “offer” with sex orgies, drunkenness and drugs.

It was just a bit disappointing then, he says, laughing.

– I didn’t get anything for free from Satan, I had to make an effort to get a network, and it surprised me how straight people were. It was a learning curve, but also traumatic because there was so much shame, especially around sexuality and suddenly having to let loose.

Frode is almost 40 years old before he can date freely. The whole concept of dating outside the faith community is foreign to him. He fumbles, feels like an alien, like a foreigner trying to integrate. What was he going to say? Should he tough it out, be open, or pretend it’s nothing?

– The first time I was invited to an adult birthday party, I really wondered what they did there. Should you bring gifts, or is it just something you do as a child?

It is also a “very special mind-fuck”, says Frode, that time suddenly becomes a non-renewable resource. By the time Frode really realizes this, he will be over 40 years old. Then he starts thinking about the childhood and youth he will never get back.

– I was really, really good at football as a child. But I never got to try out for a team, never got to know if I could become something, as it were. The same with higher education, which is looked down upon by the congregation. I never know what I could achieve.

But life goes on, emphasizes Frode. He has voted in parliamentary elections, gone on the May 17 train and celebrated Christmas Eve. He has also got “worldly” friends and a new girlfriend.

VOTES: Frode took a selfie at his first parliamentary election in 2017. He was then 40 years old. – I didn’t even know how to do it. Inside the cubicle I was Googling like an idiot, it was completely absurd. Photo: Private.

On a daily basis, he works for a construction company, has in practice worked his way up to a good job without an education. The 45-year-old is also in fourth place on the Labor Party’s list for the upcoming election in Risør.

He thinks little of religion, and describes himself as a “non-active atheist.”

– Everyday life is about establishing life, and doing the best for the children. And I think we’ve done well, especially considering where we were a few years ago, he says, looking over at his daughter on the sofa, and the dog that has settled down between them.

– I think she has lived here for around twelve years, and that is the life she has. Life should be made the best it can be, and it is not meaningless because you should not last for billions of years.

The father and Jehovah’s Witnesses answer

Dagbladet has been in contact with Frode’s father, who is part of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

– First, I want to strongly distance myself and apologize for the content of the text message mentioned in the introduction. We always want to treat our fellow human beings in a friendly way. This also applies if someone makes a different choice. We want to leave a good impression. If someone has sent such a message, that is not how we want to act, he writes to Dagbladet.

When it comes to his son’s choices and decisions, the father says he accepts this.

– He is free to make his choices and have his reasons. Although I personally disagree.

The father believes that it has not come across well in the media that Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught to follow their own conscience and biblical principles.

– This applies to all choices where the Bible does not make clear requirements. And then you will follow your own conscience. This also applies to exclusion, he says, and elaborates:

– It is allowed to be flexible. If you are flexible, you will make a decision based on the current situation. It is of course permissible to show special consideration also towards excluded persons or those who have withdrawn. The family ties still apply. One still has biblical obligations to show care in the event of a special need. This also applies to mental health.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: – Standing free

Becoming one of Jehovah’s Witnesses is a free and informed choice, writes Fabian Fond, spokesman from the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ information department, to Dagbladet. He speaks on a general basis, and not specifically about Frode’s case.

He says that if a Jehovah’s Witness no longer wants to live according to the Bible’s norms and values, he or she is free to do so.

But the religious community then has the right to decide whether this person can continue to be part of the religious community. One is not automatically excluded by committing a serious sin, or because of minor things, but if a baptized Jehovah’s witness makes it a habit to break the moral standards of the Bible and does not repent, he or she is excluded, he elaborates.

– It is the Bible itself that defines what a serious transgression is, and baptized Jehovah’s Witnesses understand that they should avoid such acts as sexual immorality, adultery, theft, extortion, murder and spiritism.

Excluded people who show a sincere desire to live according to the Bible’s norms are always welcome to become Jehovah’s Witnesses again, emphasizes Fond.

Jehovah’s Witnesses do everything they can to promote and protect family life, Fond believes, but at the same time points out that it is understandable that friends and family for weighty personal reasons may choose to limit or cut off contact with the excluded person due to the emotional pain and the the problems that the person has caused the family.

As in cases where a husband abandons his wife and children, or in cases where a member of the family has squandered the family’s finances due to alcohol or drug addiction.

– Jehovah’s Witnesses neither pressure nor force anyone to become, or continue to be, one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Furthermore, Fond says that Jehovah’s Witnesses are known to respect political institutions in a country, including the results of democratic elections.

According to Fond, several international professional studies show that Jehovah’s Witnesses are socially integrated in society, have a deep respect for life, and have a teaching that emphasizes freedom to make personal decisions.

Dagbladet clarifies: On Monday 24 April, it was clarified in the text above that Jehovah’s Witnesses are speaking on a general basis, and not specifically about Frode’s case.

– Huge self-criticism

Cathrine Moestue was a member of a sex cult from 1984 to 1992. Photo: Jørn H.Moen / Dagbladet

– Defectors tend to have enormous self-criticism as part of the internalized message of being “clean” or achieving high perfectionist standards, says psychologist Cathrine Moestue.

She speaks on a general basis about closed groups that use a high degree of control.

– They carry this criticism on with them in society at large, and feeling kindness towards themselves, as we work with in therapy, becomes difficult to achieve, she says.

What they really feel, defectors have often kept a lid on for a long time. Then they become numb, and have difficulty knowing who they are, says the psychologist.

This is challenging when integrating, because as a refugee, defectors do not know the language or the codes of society at large, Moestue points out. They have often been taught that the world outside is dangerous and may have phobic notions of being punished – with, for example, hell.

– On top of it all, many people carry trauma with them, which they have not learned or dare to put into words, she says and elaborates:

– They experience an identity confusion and fear which is often about unmet needs. Then an antidote is to get hold of primary emotions. If you manage to say what you feel, and experience being received without condemnation, a change occurs and a contact with the authentic self. They also need psychoeducation about how power and control was exercised in the group they came from.