I used to think that Narcissism was excessive self-love until I read an analysis of the story by Chuck DeGroat in his book: “When Narcissism Comes to Church”
The story goes like this:
Young, handsome Narcissus ran free, hunting in the forest, loved and desired by young women. But he would let no one touch his heart. One day he finds himself thirsty and makes his way to a clear pool for a cold drink. In the water he sees his reflection. He is so moved by the image that he reaches in to embrace it. But the image is lost when the water is disrupted, as it is with each future effort, leaving Narcissus all the more desperate. Immobilized, he keeps trying. Eventually he starves to death.
Terrence Real articulates the tale’s meaning well when he writes:
People often think of Narcissus as the symbol of excessive self-regard, but in fact, he exemplifies the opposite. As the Renaissance philosopher Marsilio Ficino observed in the 1500s, Narcissus did not suffer from an overabundance of self-love, but rather from its deficiency. The myth is a parable about paralysis. The youth, who first appears in restless motion, is suddenly rooted to one spot, unable to leave the elusive spirit. As Ficino remarked, if Narcissus had possessed real self-love, he would have been able to leave his fascination. The curse of Narcissus is immobilization, not out of love for himself, but out of dependency upon his image.
As imperfect creatures, we all have things we don’t like and cannot change about ourselves. There are two ways of dealing with this. We could either, accept the painful reality and do the best we can while relying on the acceptance of others and God’s grace for approval despite our inability to measure up. Or we could deny the obvious truth of our situation, put on a mask and pretend to be something we are not.
For I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, there dwells nothing good; for I have the desire to do what is fine but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good that I wish, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice. 20 If, then, I do what I do not wish, I am no longer the one carrying it out, but it is the sin dwelling in me. 21 I find, then, this law in my case: When I wish to do what is right, what is bad is present with me. 22 I really delight in the law of God according to the man I am within, 23 but I see in my body another law warring against the law of my mind and leading me captive to sin’s law that is in my body. 24 Miserable man that I am! Who will rescue me from the body undergoing this death? 25 Thanks to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So, then, with my mind I myself am a slave to God’s law, but with my flesh to sin’s law. (Romans 7:18-25)
Thomas Merton warns of us of the dangers of mistaking our mask for our true face:
“Now if we take our vulnerable shell to be our true identity, if we think our mask is our true face, we will protect it with fabrications even at the cost of violating our own truth.”[1]
We all have narcissistic tendencies. It is a normal part of a child’s healthy development. Narcissism exists along a spectrum from healthy to toxic. Healthy narcissism allows a person to live humbly yet confident. Able to love himself and experience love from others. He is also able to recognize and manage his own shame, limitations and humbly acknowledge that he is not the center of the universe. The pathological narcissist, on the other end of the spectrum, seeks to mask his shame by creating a false self. In time, the person begins to believe that this false self is who he really is. This manifests itself by defensiveness, an inability to see himself or how he is contributing to the damage done to relationships. Narcissism is driven by shame. After disobeying God, Adam and Eve experienced shame for the first time and it created such discomfort that they reacted by blaming everyone else, even God, for their predicament.
Later they heard the voice of Jehovah God as he was walking in the garden about the breezy part of the day, and the man and his wife hid from the face of Jehovah God among the trees of the garden. 9 And Jehovah God kept calling to the man and saying to him: “Where are you?” 10 Finally he said: “I heard your voice in the garden, but I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.” 11 At that he said: “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said: “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, so I ate.” 13 Jehovah God then said to the woman: “What is this you have done?” The woman replied: “The serpent deceived me, so I ate.” (Genesis 3:8-13)
Hence it is important to remember that, when dealing with a pathological narcissist, we are most often not dealing with the real person hidden inside, but the false person that one displays as a cover for the inner person he himself disapproves of. Knowing this is helpful for those dealing with the person manifesting these traits for it equips them with awareness, self-protection and most important for the Christian, empathy.
This information has proven to be extremely helpful for me in understanding the confusing, contradictory behavior of the men that, for decades, I held in the highest esteem, the governing body of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
[1] Thomas Merton, “Raids on the Unspeakable” pg. 15.